I have always been the one to hold in my feelings and never really expressed myself. Growing up in a very old school traditional Asian home, it wasn't common for me to run to my parents to tell them what was wrong or how I was feeling. We all learned to just keep things in and dealt with them as best as we can. Until this day, I am still somewhat like that. I am learning as I grow that I need to be more vocal about my internal feelings, not necessarily about what I don't like about someone but what I am truly feeling. I always would write in my journal because writing was a way out for me. It was how I would cope with things but now I have decided to start a blog. To let the world know how I feel.
Well, I have currently been feeling.... all over the place. These last couple of months, since February to be exact have been a roller coaster ride of all good and bad, mostly bad. I can't complain because I have all that I could ever ask for and I am thankful don't get me wrong but there's been a lot on my mind that just makes me sad. That is how I've been honestly feeling. My Husband and I have been trying to have a baby for over a year now and it's been tough on the both of us. We finally made the choice to see a fertility specialist to really find out what has been going on. Through all the testing for the both of us, the surgery (procedure) I had to go through and all the money out of pocket, we finally had some kind of answers. I had so many minor complications that was making it really hard for us to conceive. Obviously this broke my heart because the one thing I didn't want to hear was that I was the reason why it was not happening. Well, in reality it was both of us but more so me. After having my surgery done to correct some issues, all should be somewhat fine. Still after everything our results were between IUI or IVF, which if you don't know can cost more than a brand new car. This was hard to swallow and to hear that trying on our own would be really hard, broke both of our hearts. I will admit April was not a good month for me. I was very depressed, all I wanted to do was sleep all day and just not really be around anybody. With just recently losing 20 pounds, working out and eating healthy for the last 6+ months, none of this mattered to me. I wanted a pity party but from no one else besides myself. All I did was cry about it, sleep and feel a huge sense of guilt that I wouldn't be able to give my husband the child he wanted so bad. After having multiple discussions with my manager, I couldn't let this take over my life. He was such an uplifting, positive person that brought nothing but great energy my way. He told me to just let go and have fun, when the time is right it will come (Ha that rhymed). With our cruise less than a month away, I needed to get back into the flow of things. Started just getting back into my routine and really not thinking about "what I was going through". I told myself that, all I am going to do, is drink, spend time with family and have a good time with no one ruining it and that is exactly what I did. Anyways, finally letting go and not thinking of things, what I would say a little miracle happened. WE FOUND OUT WE WERE PREGNANT!!!! Oh man this was definitely one of the most happiest days of our lives. With the odds against us and not even a month later we conceived on our own?!?! I was in total shock, we were in total shock.
Moving on a couple weeks later, we finally set a date for our first doctors appointment, to find out how far a long I was and all that good stuff. Seeing our baby's little heart beat for the first time made me cry. Everything we went through, this was our miracle and our happiness. We got to tell our family and just celebrate July 4th weekend being on cloud nine. We had to come back to the doctors a week later just because the baby was so small that they couldn't get an accurate reading of how far a long I was. I was still too early. The day before the appointment, I had a gut feeling something was off but wanted to ignore all signs of it and of course going into the appointment, it was confirmed that the baby's heart stopped beating and the size didn't change from the previous week. Knowing this just made everything feel that much worse. We were upset, sad and of course the emotions from the hormones and how much I had already grown attached were just everywhere. The thoughts that ran through my head is something I don't ever want to think about again. All the whys, the hows and the even bigger guilt that because of me, this is what happened. We had conceived before the cruise and I blamed everything that I had done, the drinking, the not taking care of myself, all of it on me. The next day was probably one of the hardest days for me. I sat and cried alone in my room just writing and thinking. It's only been one week but even though I sit here, crying thinking about what I have gone through in life, the pain growing up, and the struggles as an adult, I can't say that life is not fair. Yes, it isn't fair but I truly believe that things happen for a reason. That the universe has a purpose and that we all go through tests to see how we handle things.
I am one strong person and I have one strong man by my side to help go through this journey. After the baby passing, I felt a huge sense of acceptance. My heart wasn't heavy anymore, even though I am still sad, I am truly okay with any outcome that happens in my life. Because I know that this is a test and like anything else, I will move forward. So I sit here today, writing all my thoughts and feelings for anyone to see, not because I want to "brag" or show people that my life is so "hard" but because I don't want to hold it in anymore. I don't want to bottle up any feelings I have, I don't want to dwell on the situations in my life I have no control over. I want to open up, not only to myself but to the world! I know super cheesy, but this is a big step in my life that I need to take. I just need to let it go and let someone else take the wheel. So there, that is my roller coaster of a life all in one long post, well at least what I have been going through lately. It feels really good to just type it all out cause seriously my hands hurt after writing a page in my journal. Well, I hope this wasn't too long for people to read, it's really more for myself but who ever is interested can read it. Thank you to all that have been there for me and that will continue to be there for me. This is a crazy journey and I have no idea where it will end, but saddle up and let's take this ride together.
xoxo - tina
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