I know I haven't really kept up with this much. It's hard to remember to go on your computer when you have your phone on you always! Anyways, I wanted to do a quick vent sesh to whoever actually reads my shit.
SOMETIMES IN LIFE, THE HARDEST THINGS TO DO ARE THE BEST FOR YOU!
The things that go on in my head are sometimes irrational, stupid, crazy and just plain dumb. I tell myself all the time, why do I think this way or why do I "feel" this way? I really need to take my own advice and just LET IT GO! I just feel soooooo guilty... and you know when they say you feel guilty you are typically at fault. Well I know I can be at fault, of course I am not perfect but when you know how you feel and you are so passionate about something that even if you are wrong you still strongly believe that it was okay? Does that make any sense. It's hard to truly say how I feel so I am at constant battle with myself (in my mind of course) telling myself, you are right for feeling that you do but the way I feel also hurts the people around me.
I think of others so much more than I do myself and I feel like it's never truly appreciated. I am in battle of making myself happy or making those I love happy.... and I absolutely HATE HATE HATE this feeling. I know what my heart wants but sometimes I have to think it through. Deep down inside I know what is right for me, what will make me happy but than there are those days where you doubt yourself, if you made the right decision.
I know I am a super prideful, passionate, strong person that will defend herself until her last dying breath, but is it healthy to live such a defensive lifestyle? Growing up, I never stood up for myself. The shit people say, the mean hurtful things you go through in your "teen" years. It's crazy cause so many people say that they've been bullied and how bad it is but you really never think about it until you're in the position yourself. With how much I had to hold in as a kid, the things i've seen and physically/emotionally been through really has scared me bad. I care so much about people that in the end.... I actually end up pushing them away. I guess a part of me expects the let down before it even happens that I actually create the let down?
Have you ever wanted something so bad growing up that you kept pushing and pushing for it and when you have it, you change your whole being to keep it. Well that is what I constantly did. I wanted friends so bad that I never wanted to upset them so I never was "myself" around them. I wanted to be accepted because in my family I didn't feel like I was. Of course now I love our bond but growing up we were never close. We all actually probably hated each other at one point of our lives. I hate blaming how I grew up on how I am now because I know that it has helped me but also left some deep deep rooted scars. And I can't seem to shake that.
I know that I obviously want to make myself happy but cannot get rid of the guilt I feel in the expense of the people around me. What do I do?! Ultimately, who do I choose? I make others happy but can't be myself or truly express how I feel. I make myself happy and cut all ties but feel guilty always that it doesn't just effect me but the people around me.
The anger I hold inside is just sooooo toxic and I really don't know how to get rid of it. I seriously cry by myself sometimes because it's a lose lose situation for me and I truly don't know what to do. I know it's all mental but to be truly happy, you have to be mentally capable. I just feel alone because if I talk about what really goes on in my head, no one will understand me. I try to runaway from the issues because I feel so strongly about it but I know it can't be avoided. I'm not stupid and can rationally think through my issues but my head and heart are at war ALL THE TIME. I am so loving but know better.... When I tell myself one thing, my heart aches. When my heart is happy and feels loved... my brain tells me that its fake. Kinda weird to explain but yea....
I have this tattoo on my back as a reminder and I really forget about it a lot. I say it to myself when I need to remember but it slips my mind. Maybe if I write it out, over and over and over again I will remember and follow through. I need to remind myself everyday.....
Don't let your heart run your life... be sensible and let your mind speak for itself.
This is my true happiness and this is how I will get through my life to find the key to happiness.
"DON'T LET YOUR HEART RUN YOUR LIFE, BE SENSIBLE AND LET YOUR MIND SPEAK FOR ITSELF"
xoxo - tina
